MASTURBATION - Demeaning and furtive habit that reduces men to the level of monkeys. Non-specific side effects are depression, energy depletion and premature aging. Specific symptoms include swollen joints (particularly on the fingers), excessive nostril hair, mouth ulcers and facial tics. The notion that compulsive self-abusers can be identified by hairy palms is, however, a myth, no doubt disseminated to discourage the habit.

Fear of damnation was, for centuries, a sufficient deterrent. A century of scepticism has, however, heralded an age of masturbation. The habit has become widespread and openly acknowledged. Last year, a collection of minor celebrities threatened to participate in a sponsored ‘self-love in' proceeds of which would be donated to the BBC's Children in Need charity. This plan was only thwarted by last minute police objections prompted not by the scheme's hideous nature, but fears that central London, the proposed scene of the outrage, would be flooded by voyeurs and rendered vulnerable to terrorist attack.

On a more personal level, I've often entreated Spencer to abandon the incessant self-abuse that has sullied his moments of reflection since puberty. To enslave and degrade the object of one's affection in the most secret amphitheatre of the imagination creates a lasting image that will inevitably assert itself in reality. It's ironic, incidentally, that my detractors are constant in presenting a demeaning portrayal of me clawing at myself like a monkey. I am, in fact, one of the few remaining people unaffected by the laissez-faire attitude of the sixties who still recognises masturbation not as a comical rite of passage or companion to loneliness, but a literal act of black magic, as spiritually and physically endangering as drug addiction. Consequently, my relations with women, while chaste, are invariably affectionate and lasting. Before sneering, sceptical readers might experiment with a month of abstinence and study the evidence for themselves.

 

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