On Flatulence

Some might consider it prissy, but it's been my lifelong habit to retreat to a toilet or, at the very least, leave the room before breaking wind. My sense of humour is robust but, frankly, I would as soon expose myself as playfully subject my company to my feculence. Christine and Spencer attribute my fastidiousness to the influence of our Grandfather Sneddon (as, indeed, they do many of my personality traits they consider peculiar.) To twenty-first century sensiblities, Grandpa's aversion to flatulence would be deemed evidence of what what Muriel knowingly refers to as 'issues'. The mildest of whiffs was sufficient to trigger an instantaneous transformation from jollity to nostril-flaring rage. At my fifth birthday party, having identified a bewildered Billy Ure as the source of an insidiously pungent odour, he threatened to confine him within my sister's rabbits' hutch reasoning that, "if he wants to act like an animal, he'll be treated like one." Only my mother's intervention prevented Grandpa from making good his threat. The image of Billy's tear stained face, plaintively protesting his innocence still hovers around the periphery of my conscience. More than thirty years on, I blush to acknowledge responsibility for the offence. An analyst might argue that repressed guilt has subsequently contributed to my own attitudes.

The latter part of Grandpa's life was beset by various health problems. My sister frequently attributes the mild intestinal disorder that left him at the mercy of involuntary lapses to 'poetic justice'. His unfailing response to this recurring mortification was to excuse himself from the company and, at the first opportunity send a written apology to his hosts, invariably citing an 'unforgivable abandonment of protocol'. I followed this example throughout my childhood and teens but found that these displays of self-abasement provoked more concern than the original offence. As an adult, I've restricted myself to an acknowledgement and sincere verbal apology.

 

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