A Minor Disappointment

28/11/07

Patricia Allardyce from the Community Council telephoned this morning to inform me that, this year, I will not be required to switch on the Drumfeld Christmas lights. They might have given me more notice. The ceremony is only two days away and I've already put a lot of work into my presentation. Patricia was very apologetic, but insisted there was no possibility of reconsideration. Apparently the council has confirmed a replacement, T.V. talent show contestant and model Lindsay Carmichael. (I've italicised the second of Ms Carmichael's qualifications because, according to my research, she's never actually modelled. It's a small point. She may intend to model, but until she does so, I'd advise her against padding out her c.v. with empty boasts.) Christine tells me that she did appear briefly on television but failed to impress the panel of judges and was, in fact, reduced to tears by a unanimously harsh assessment of her talents. This made me wonder if she was temperamentally suited to delivering the Christmas address. Last year, when I was heckled by a group of Muriel's smoking friends, the occasion was only saved by my sangfroid and gift for repartee. Subjected to similar treatment, there's every possibility that Ms Carmichael will abandon her post in floods of tears. When I phoned Patricia with this concern, I was informed that Ms Carmichael's role will be limited to switching on the lights. "I'm not sure that we'll be having an address this year," said Patricia. "We thought it might be nice to have a change." This was such a fat-headed point that I didn't even bother arguing. Christmas, after all, is about tradition. A lot of children are already going to be disappointed by my non-appearance. It adds insult to injury that my replacement isn't even capable of delivering an inspirational speech. 

 

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